Mr and Mrs Crazy
by duffman669
Summary: For all of you who love those what if Rachel had lived and she and Tobias had gotten married stories. Heres where it would end up: Marriage Counseling. Comedic short story.
1. Chapter 1

This is a little short story I decided to write because I was bored. Marriage counselling with Rachel and Tobias. Its supposed to be comedic, but who knows. I'll probably add a few more chapters to it soon.

"So, why don't we start with you Tobias, what brings you here."

"Well," Tobias said, shiftily, "I think we just need to sort of re-evaluate things, maybe there's something's I can work on, and I uh think there may be some things she can uh, work on."

"Oh well then," Rachel said sarcastically, "please enlighten me, what I've been doing so wrong."

"Now, now Rachel," the counselor cut in, making sure not to lean too close to Rachel, "Lets let Tobias tell us how he feels, you'll have your chance."

They were sitting in a small comfortable room, that seemed to have been modeled to look like a home study, even though they were on the thirtieth floor of a city office building. The walls were oak, and covered with degrees, various family photographs, a bookshelf. At the end furthest from the door there was a large oak desk, to the right of it was the classic therapists couch. Making a large triangle in the center of the room were three comfortable armchairs, evenly spaced apart.

In one chair sat a middle aged man, with a full, grey beard. He wore brown pants with a grey sweater vest, and sat cross-legged, propping up a notebook which he wrote in casually. To his right, sat a beautiful woman in her early twenties; tall, blonde, perfectly dressed and made up. Sitting, with a rigid glare on her face. To her right, sat a thirteen year old boy, average height, with dirty blonde hair, and a blank expression on his face. He was dressed like a teen Gap model, but with obvious imperfections, an un-tucked shirt, hair untidy, one belt loop missed. Every few minutes the woman would look at them and glare a bit more.

"Well," Tobias said, "I just want to start by saying that I love my wife, its just-"

"Your uh, your wife?" The counselor asked, confused, "I um-"

"Yeah," said Rachel angrily, "he looks a bit young for me doesn't he."

"Well, um," mumbled the counselor, looking down at his note, "um, continue, please Tobias."

"Well, the things that I love about her, you know her uh, liveliness," Tobias began nervously, "Well they seemed great back when we first met, but now, she seems a little…_insane_."

"Insane! I didn't hear you telling me I was insane after about the hundredth time I saved your feathered ass!" Rachel yelled, like a lunatic.

"Well, you see, we were in a war together," Tobias explained, "So it seemed cool at the time you know, dating Xena."

"Yes, often marriage can feel like a war," the counselor said, "but you have to remember-"

"He doesn't mean that you idiot," Rachel sneered, "he means we were in a war, you know, death, killing people, getting shot at."

"Right, and she was a real pistol," Tobias said, forcing a grin, "she uh, she could really raise some hell. But now that the wars over, I kind of thought that she would calm down a little."

"What? I'm not calm enough for you?"

"Rachel, you've been sneaking off at night to fight crime as a bear!"

"That's ridiculous," she shouted, "I most definitely have not."

"There's been like a dozen bear maulings in the past month!" Tobias shouted back at her.

"Bear-Girl could be anyone!" she shouted again, standing up, "you have no proof that it's me."

The counselor realized that his mouth had been hanging open for the past minute, and he shook himself out of his stupor, "Okay, um, things are getting a little tense, um we should break for today."

He began scribbling away on a pad of paper, "I'm prescribing each of you some Lorazapin, I want you to take two a day. And I want you both to work on your communication, try to open up a dialogue everyday. Here you gaaaah!"

He looked up from his pad of paper to find a hawk in place of where Tobias had been a minute before. As he cowered in his seat, the hawk grabbed the paper out of his hand with his beak, and flew out the window.

((See you at home, sweetheart!)) Tobias called back at them.

"WATCH OUT FOR EAGLES HONEY!" Rachel shouted after him.


	2. Chapter 2

Session 2

"So," the counselor said, a bit more timid, "here we are. How has the last week gone for the two of you?"

"Personally I think that I've been communicating like crazy," Rachel began.

"Yeah there's been a slight problem with that," Tobias said.

"Now Tobias," the counselor intervened, "Rachel has been kind enough to begin the discussion, lets hear what she has to say."

"Thanks doc," Rachel said, sneering at Tobias, "yeah its been a crazy week. I'd have to say my main problem with Tobias here is the whole hawk thing."

"Oh sure, lets start with that," Tobias muttered.

"Right so, hmmhmm," the counselor said, clearing his throat, "So he turns into a hawk."

"A red-tailed hawk."

"And um, okay Rachel, um how does that make you feel?"

"Well you know," Rachel continued, a bit louder, "I understood the whole need to stay in the fight deal and all. But now its like hello, you're a person, start acting like one."

"I'm not a person, I'm half hawk, half boy," Tobias interjected, looking hurt.

"Oh where to begin with that psycho statement. Lets see, how about the fact that you're twenty-four! You don't find anything wrong with looking like a thirteen year-old?!"

"Yea, I'm the psycho here. I cant think of any reason anyone would see you as the crazy one," Tobias said sarcastically.

"Oh and of course you wouldn't be able to see anything," Rachel raged, "not with those dull human eyes of yours!"

"Now, now, things are getting a little um, crazy," the counselor intervened, "Why don't we try a little exercise to calm ourselves down. I want you both to close your eyes, and try to relax."

"No funny business doc," Rachel muttered, squinting her eyes almost closed.

"Now I want you to imagine that you are in a beautiful meadow-"

"Better not be Tobias' meadow, he gets pretty crazy about all his hawk crap," Rachel muttered.

"If it helps you can imagine it's a meadow full of aliens killing each other," Tobias added.

"The um, the sun is up, there are uh, clouds in the sky. A cool breeze is blowing against your face. You run through the grass, feeling the-"

"Hey look a mouse!" Rachel interrupted, "Get it honey!"

"Why don't you kill it for me sweetie," Tobias sneered, "I know how much you love to."

"I know one thing I'd like to-"

"Maybe this is the wrong exercise for your particular, um situation," the counselor interrupted, "Why don't we try something different. Rachel, I want you to tell Tobias three things that you love about him."

"Oookay," Rachel said, taking a deep breath, "lets see. You don't get any feathers on the carpet. You help us save money on exterminators."

"Your using reasons you love me as a chance to make bird jokes!" Tobias shouted, "are you serious? I mean do you not see how insane you are?"

"Oh and number three, you know how to take a joke."

"Yeah, yeah, very funny," Tobias said, "cause me serious emotional damage, its cool, no worries."

"Okay Tobias, I can tell your disturbed by what Rachel has said," the counselor said, "I think we should end things for today, and what I want you to do this week is tell each other that you love each other everyday. Try to remember why you were together in the first place."

"Because it was between him and Marco," Rachel muttered.

"Oh well why don't you just go cheat on me with Marco then!" Tobias raged.

"How do you know I'm not?!"

"And I'm going to prescribe you some stronger medication."


	3. Chapter 3

Session 3

"So, Tobias, this is unusual," the counselor started, "what makes you feel you need to come back like this?"

((Yes, I realize it's a little unusual to come back without Rachel,)) Tobias said.

"Well no, I meant it's unusual that you're here as a hawk," the counselor said.

((Oh right, sorry about that,)) said Tobias, ((sometimes I forget when I'm in my natural form.))

"Riiiiiight, well um, aside from the obvious, what can I help you work through today?"

((Well, I was thinking maybe we could plan some kind of intervention for Rachel,)) Tobias said, ((she's been getting a little out of control.))

"How so?" the counselor asked, somewhere between interested and amused.

((Well she's been taking those pills you gave us like ten at a time,)) Tobias explained, ((then she'll morph chimpanzee and start hurling crap all over the place. I mean, on the one hand its like really, really disgusting. But on the other hand it draws in a lot of rats so-))

"Okay um, to be honest, this is getting a little difficult," the counselor said, "I mean apart from all the turning into animals thing, hearing your voice in my head it getting a little conflicting."

((Don't worry, you'll get used to the voices,)) Tobias said, although he started to morph into human, ((I've had people talking in my head for years.))

"Yeah… see the problem with that is," the counselor started then paused, "if I prescribe you more medication then Rachel will…well lets get back to this intervention."

((Yeah, so what kind of cages do you have?)) Tobias asked, half-human now, ((because you know Rachel, she's uh, well she'll kill you.))

"Well sometimes we say we want to kill each other," the counselor reasoned, "but we never really do."

"No, I'm pretty sure she does," Tobias said sullenly, "I've never had any proof or anything, but I get attacked by eagles a lot, you know, like A LOT. I mean sometimes they attack even when I'm human."

"Well often anxiety can represent itself in a physical way, maybe these 'eagles you're seeing are just your mind telling you that OH MY GOD!" the counselor screamed, darting behind his seat.

A black, scaly creature was emerging from behind Tobias. It had armor hide skin with large bristly hairs and spindly legs. As it grew its body turned light and soft and began to turn to flesh, as its tiny legs were sucked back into its body and blonde hair began to grow from its head.

((INTERVENE HUH!?)) the growing monster raged, ((YOU WANT TO INTERVENE, YOU"RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME!))

"That's the whole point you dumb blonde!" Tobias came back, "Oh no."

"DUMB BLONDE!? DUMB BLONDE!?" Rachel screamed, completely human now, but still changing, "I'LL SHOW YOU WHO THE DUMB BLONDE IS!"

"Yeah, this is what I mean," said Tobias, who was also changing, "I don't suppose there's anything you can say?"

"Okay um, Rachel," the counselor said, poking his head out from behind his desk, "try taking a few deep breaths. You are angry. What we need to do is find out a way to channel that anger."

((Oh I'm on it doc!)) cried Rachel, halfway to elephant, ((I'm about to channel one winged rat through your wall!))

((Okay I know you're not talking about me!)) Tobias said, fully hawk.

"Okay, new tactic," the counselor muttered to himself, taking a few deep breaths and standing up, still standing behind the desk, "Now Rachel, you really need to calm down. I can't help you unless you're willing to work with me. And, I can't believe I'm saying this, but if you keep growing then you won't be able to fit in the room and we'll all be killed."

((Hey Rachel he's got a point,)) said Tobias, flapping into a corner, ((maybe we should just talk for a second.))

((What's the point!)) Rachel continued to rage, although she had stopped growing, ((you've been doing all your talking with the shrink here.))

"Rachel?" the counselor started, timidly taking a step from behind the desk, "can you think of any reason why Tobias might think that he can't talk to you?"

((I don't know,)) Rachel fumed, as she began to slowly shrink, ((maybe he just needs some hawks to talk to.))

"Do you sometimes feel left out?" the counselor asked, "do you think that he wants to spend more time with his, um hawk friends."

((I don't actually have hawk friends,)) Tobias said defensively, still perched on top of the bookshelf.

"So uh, do you wish that you had hawk friends?" the counselor asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"I was just messing with him you quack," Rachel said, finishing her de-morph, "are we actually paying this guy."

((Like three hundred bucks a session,)) Tobias answered grimly.

"And you're coming for extra sessions!?" Rachel asked angrily.

((Well, you have been acting a little crazy lately,)) Tobias said, flying down to perch on the armchair.

"Yeah I guess I have kind of been flying off the handle a little, huh."

"This is good, I think we're really making progress-"

"Shut-up doc," Rachel said, "how about I make it up to you tonight huh baby."

"Oooh, um, I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about this," Tobias said nervously, as his human mouth appeared, "some of the stuff that you like to do, kind of terrifies me."

"What?! What stuff? Why?" Rachel demanded.

"Well you know, all the stuff that reminds me of getting tortured by a crazy blonde chick," Tobias explained, blushing slightly and avoided the counselors gaze.

"Tobias, you've been tortured before?" the counselor asked, "well this is definitely some-"

"I said shut up doc! Now come on Tobias, try to put all of that out of your mind," Rachel said, with a wild look in her eyes, "Lets do it!"


End file.
